How do I handle conflict in my relationship without it escalating?

Answered by Dr. Nitnem Singh Sodhi · Consultant Psychologist & Psychotherapist · Updated 2026-05-23

Short answer

Decades of research point to four habits that predict breakdown — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Replace them with: complaint without character attack, appreciation, taking responsibility, and asking for a 20-minute pause to self-regulate.

John Gottman's research — replicated for decades — identified four interaction patterns that predict relationship breakdown with disturbing accuracy. They are also the four most fixable habits in a relationship.

The four to remove

Criticism — attacking character ('you always'). Contempt — sarcasm, eye-roll, name-calling. Defensiveness — denying responsibility. Stonewalling — shutting down, silent treatment.

What to install instead

Soft start-up ('I felt X when Y happened'). Appreciation, daily and specific. Taking responsibility for at least one part of the issue. Asking for a 20-minute pause when flooded — and actually returning.

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